Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Theory of Relativity and Other Turn-ons

The following is a purely fictional tale. I made it up in its entirety, because, as you've seen from previous posts, I never venture across the borders of tact and prudence into the worlds of Shameville and Weirdton. If the story were true, however, you can be sure that I would get permission from the involved parties beforehand. It's not true, though. It's fiction.

Once upon a time, a young man and a young woman loved each other. Also, they were totally hot. Although these totally hot and loving young people loved each other and enjoyed spending time together, their lives got busy, and the two found themselves parted by social engagements, work, educational advancements, and sleep. They were parted for so long, in fact, that they forgot when they last had a decent conversation.

Then one day, they found themselves strangely alone and unencumbered, so they decided to talk. But just as soon as their conversation began, things took an unexpected turn:

Man: "You know what? I need to blow my nose. Just stay put. I'm gonna go get a tissue in the bathroom. Be right back."

Woman: "Ok, darling."

The man left the room and the woman reclined, daydreaming about how dreamy her man was even with his snotty nose. She thought about how lucky she was to have him and how nice it was that they were finally getting to spend some time together. She reclined and thought for a long time because the man took longer than a "be right back." Even so, she was happy just to think about how romantic her Casanova was.

At length, the man returned and stood in the doorway.

Man: "Sorry it took so long. I figured I might as well use the bathroom while I was in there."

Woman (propped on her elbows): "That's ok. Come on over here now that you're back."

Man (still in doorway): "You know what I was just thinking about?"

Woman (tossing hair): "No, what?"

Man: "I was thinking in the bathroom that with our incredible recruiting class and the talent that's on the field - the now experienced talent - Notre Dame should really come up in the ranks this year. I mean I don't want to get too optimistic, I know we have a lot of ground to cover, but we should be much better than we have been."

Woman (hair perfectly still): *blink

Man: Right? I mean Charlie Weiss has some new people on staff and Michael Floyd's a beast and..."

Woman: *blink blink

Man (crossing the room): "Right?"

(beat)

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Woman (now sitting up straight): "It's just that...again...football talk doesn't really do it for me, I guess."

(beat)

"It kind of takes me right out of the mood, you know?"

Man (step forward): "You mean?"

Woman: "Well?"

Man (now next to her): "But, but doesn't this feel nice?" (pulling her in for a warm embrace)

Woman: "I mean, I guess so and everything, but it's kind of done-for at this point. Don't you remember about how a woman's greatest sex organ is her brain?"

...

Man: "E=MC SQUARED!!"

6 comments:

belle said...

i can't stop laughing!!! i'm going to wake my kids up with my howling!!!!!! you have absolutely GOT to write a book someday! i'm scaring the dog now, really, i may even wet my britches!!!

(btw-i'm married to an alabama fan... i've started a support group for football widows- consider this an invitation)

E=MC SQUARED... hahahahahaha. still laughing!

Elizabeth Glass-Turner said...

It never fails to make me grin. It's like flashes of Madeline Kahn in the daily grind...

Mark and Lori said...

Pictures Blog please!

Elizabeth Turner said...

OCTOBER 25th: Last Post Date.

Emily, I am convinced that you are on an island, in the Pacific, in the middle of a J.J. Abrams TV show, having mysteriously crashed. Watch out for The Others.

Because obviously, you are Lost, and cannot find your way home.

Six in the Mix said...

Ahem! Have you fallen into quicksand? Are you lying unconcious in a hospital? Are you having the world's worst case of writer's block? Or did you just forget that your adoring public (well, okay, so I'm family) is needy and wants to hear more.

Jerry said...

I do love the way the boy combines football and physics. I do wonder where he picked that up, given his class attendance policies.