Thursday, March 26, 2009

Losing It

Let's talk about bras today. Goodbye, men.

I lost a bra about two months ago. I'd had it for two years and had worn it many, many times, so I was sad to lose my old friend. I found it a week ago, and there was much rejoicing.

Now, in between losing and finding said friend, I took up running again (you may have heard a little something about red tights). After donning the returned article this morning and walking around for a bit, I was dismayed to discover that it no longer fit correctly. The band was just too loose, apparently from the weight I didn't know I had been losing. It provided no support at all. I know it's ridiculous to complain about loose clothing and lost inches, but for me this dilemma causes far too many problems. I have a small frame - so small, in fact, that a waiter guessed I was 15 when I was really 23. I buy jeans from one store and one store alone because it's the only place I can get short pants. I already wear the smallest bra size anyway, so now what am I going to do?

I'll have to go back to the preteen section, that's what. Goodbye to Vicky and her many secrets. Hello, Limited Too and American Girl. Prepare your best cotton, purple and pink flowered, front-clasped training bras and High School Musical 30AA's! My Hannah Montana sunglasses and Hilary Duff glasses are about to get some company in the apparel department.

But what am I supposed to do? I want to keep running because now I can run up the stairs at my house without getting winded. I want to be physically fit. What happens if I keep running? Will my chest waste away into what has been so delicately called "peas on a board?" Pretty soon even the preteen bras won't fit me anymore. I can't sew, so I'll have to fashion myself a garment of duct tape. NOT THAT I'LL ACTUALLY NEED ONE. People will see me in the streets and whisper to each other, "There goes that nice, cross-dressing, duct tape boy." How will I nurse my children? They're going to starve. They're all going to starve! Every child everywhere is going to starve!

At least that's what I thought on my way back to work from the post office.

As I fixed my second cup of morning tea in the office kitchen, an idea - so inspired that I thought it must have come from Heaven itself - struck. I reached back behind me and found that, sure enough, the clasp had come undone, rendering the garment loose and useless.

Then I hooked my bra and smiled.

3 comments:

Elizabeth Glass-Turner said...

A ha. Ahaha. Ahahaha.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA you FOOL! You thought you were going to have to forego all the honeymoon lingerie, didn't you???? DIDN'T you??!!??

But a slipped clasp struck, and BAM! you're back in the running.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
insert more diabolical laughter.

In other news, I spilled a cup of water last night and couldn't find my glasses and screamed for John, who found me blind, fumbling around in a sopping mess, and weeping. Yes, weeping. Who cares about freakin' milk, I'm still crying over spilled water!

Anonymous said...

my condolences and sympathies.... misery loves company i hear so welcome to the itty-bitty club. after nursing 4! and actually -finally- knowing what it feels like to be a c!!! i had to readjust to my own size:( mosquito bites :( but of course after nursing that many i now have what my very descriptive husband calls "noodle titties" (mental picture: national geographic third world ladies ... yep... droopy and teeny "girls')

his suggestion was to have another baby so my bra would fill back up! at least he loves me anyway:)

name withheld to protect the woman who STILL stuffs her bra....

Organic Meatbag said...

Itty-bitty is no crime, ladies... not a crime and nothing to be ashamed of, and your respective soulmates are proof of that!