Saturday, November 22, 2008

Bubba Bull

People often make fun of me because I live in Kentucky. Most of those people live in Indiana, so I don't know why they think they have room to mock, but so it goes. Some Kentucky stereotypes are true. For example, my high school English teacher and her husband were out on a geological survey on public land in Eastern Kentucky when an overweight man in a dress emerged from his shack in the woods and shot several rounds at them, wounding the husband. When questioned by the police later the man said, "They were on my property. I had the right to shoot them."

Also, there are people in Eastern Kentucky whose recessive gene for blue skin finally came out after many generations of inbreeding. So yeah, some of the stereotypes are true.

On the other hand, you might be surprised and pleased to know that intelligent conversations sometimes occur in the Bluegrass. I've spoken to at least three people who use the words "eschatology," "exegesis," and "epistemology" correctly. Then again, I've never been able to use "epistemology" in a sentence, so maybe they're using it wrong and I just don't know it. I also go to a church that I'm convinced has the most PhD's per capita in the country. I consider it a small point that we only have an outhouse for a bathroom.

As I compare KY's hick v. non-hick attributes, I can't help but think that Kentucky as a commonwealth is personified in my friend Bubba. Yeah, I have a friend named Bubba. What of it? Bubba is a southern boy, a good ol' boy, a lady's man, and a handy man, and here are some of my favorite things about him.
  1. Bubba is a doer. I have about 8 close friends because that's the maximum number I can possibly keep up with. Bubba has about 40 close friends because Bubba is willing to join in any activity at any given time. He genuinely cares about other people, and he invests in others at all times. That's probably why he's been in 10 weddings thus far, and yet I can think of at least 5 more people who will ask him to be a groomsman when their times come around.
  2. He wears cowboy boots all the time.
  3. The man prefers bourbon to any other beverage and sometimes carries a flask, but I can't think of a time when I've seen him drunk.
  4. He's a blessing and a curse on road trips: blessing because he'll fix the car when it breaks down (thanks for that whole alternator thing, Bubs), and he can drive for hours and hours on end; curse because he enjoys curves and hills, and he refuses to stop for bathroom breaks.
  5. He likes setting goals and meeting them. He drove Audra's Civic hybrid to Florida and decided then and there that he could never own a hybrid because there were just too many goals to try for. Should he go for maximum mileage? For charging the battery? For getting the autostop? It drove him nuts that he couldn't do all at the same time.
  6. When a word ends in "D," Bubba pronounces it as a "T." So to Bubba, a sentence ends in a periot. Points are grantet, and castaways are strandet.
  7. Speaking of periots, a bunch of us were once talking about relationships and how men handle their girlfriends during that very special time. We asked Bubba how he had acted with his past girlfriends, and he responded, "I don't know if I've ever dated a girl long enough for her to have a period." This is not to say that Bubba doesn't date very often. Quite the contrary. Quite.
  8. He coaches high school football, umps little league and plays softball, but he still finds time to read all kinds of classics and get all sorts of work done on his house. Speaking of his house, his roommate's name is - get ready for it - Catfish. Bubba lives with Catfish. There are men named Bubba and Catfish who live in one house together in Kentucky. All right, so their real names are Marcus and Kyle respectively, but few call them that.
  9. Bubba likes the South. Jesse tells a story about a road trip they took to Boston once. I think the story goes that Jesse had been driving for a good part of the trip, and he had finally stopped to take a rest. He settled down in the passenger seat absolutely exhausted, but he had some trouble getting to sleep. Just minutes after Jesse finally dozed off, a blood-curdling scream jerked him from his sleep. Apparently, Bubba didn't like crossing the Mason-Dixon Line.

Marcus Scott, you are Kentucky to me. You're a bit of a hick, admit it, but you're fun. I suppose we'll keep you around, unless, of course, you start wearing dresses and carrying shotguns.


Natalie said...

Somehow it just seems right that you would have a friend named Bubba. By the way, I have a friend named Bubba too. He's 2-years-old.

Anyway, I have great respect for Kentuckians, it's those darn West Virginians that are collectively lowering the national IQ.

Mary Brooks said...

My husband was dressing as a sheriff type character for Halloween. He needed some boots. We arrived at Bubba's and Lee J was wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, black bandanna and a cowboy hat I had won in the sixth grade at a science fair..Lee J walked out in black boots, a black belt with adequately sized belt buckle, black button-down, bandanna, hat, and toy gun. Bubba looked him up and down and commented "You look like me when I go out, just minus the toy gun."

Anonymous said...

I promise to never wear a dress and carry a shotgun, at least not at the same time anyway.

Boyfriend said...

4. Bubba may have fixed the alternator, but he backed into a tree 5 minutes later. I guess that goes under the "curse" category.

Elizabeth Glass-Turner said...

It's true, it's all true! He can go *snap*! Like that, from talking about the friendship between John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, to where to find the best BBQ in Memphis.

audra.marie said...

Stupid hybrids. Those cars are only for overachievers. Wait....hmmm...this coming from someone who drives one, and is definitely an underachiever. Shoot.