Friday, September 5, 2008

Extra! Extra!

Today's headlines as reported by that tall, dark, blue-eyed stud also known as Boyfriend.

Incoherent Screaming at Political Rallies Up 90%, Analysts Say

Last evening’s Republican acceptance-speech brouhaha marked a record in the storied history of the Republican rally. According to analysts (who were on site equipped with graphing calculators), incoherent screaming from the excitable, crimson-clad multitude was up 90% from 1958 (when the statistic was first taken), now making up a solid 98% of the four-day rally. When asked what this means for the future of political speaking, one analyst said, “This statistic signifies a new era in the world of political speaking. As the scream percentage goes up, the filters for hollow rhetoric are loosening significantly.” During his acceptance speech last night, Senator McCain’s largest uninterrupted streak was clocked at a whopping 8 seconds, when, it seems, the crowd could no longer contain itself. This particular eruption followed a brief description of the Senator’s future plans to add a sunroom onto his Arizona home.

One particularly enthusiastic spectator said, “It’s just so exciting! Of course we care about what the speakers have to say! Senator Confetti had my full attention, as did Ms. Balloons. They both gave a beautiful banner with lots of profound insights and pretty colors…and…USA! USA! USA!" When asked for further clarification, said spectator tossed a chair across the crowded arena, leaving 3 unconscious and one dead before attempting to strangle this reporter with the ribbon from a star spangled balloon.

When approached about this disturbing trend, Senator McCain said, “It’s frustrating. There’s a reason that we construct these speeches to say EXACTLY what these people want to hear: so they can actually hear them!” (Caps and Italics not added.) It is rumored that at one point the Senator’s speech digressed into a spoken quoting of Toto’s riff-heavy rock hit “Hold the Line.” However, no one seems to have noticed.

Senator Obama could not be reached for comment, but his publicist shared his thoughts on the matter. “The truth, really, is that Senator Obama hears all of our prayers, even if it doesn’t seem like it.” When asked what this cryptic proclamation had to do with the statistics at hand, Obama’s publicist said, “Acknowledge Senator Obama’s divinity now, or be smote…verily!” Upon this reporter’s refusal to worship Senator Obama the publicist simply said, “You obviously are not from the press,” and hung up abruptly.

1 comment:

Bitty said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA.
Half my kingdom to see Andrea Mitchell get bloodied up in a Republican mosh pit.