Monday, August 4, 2008

Tacos Tonight

This is an old post that I'm recycling for a backwards Works-for-Me-Wednesday hosted by Shannon over at Rocks in My Dryer. Since I have little shame or tact, I offer this dilemma to you, the Rocks in My Dryer world. Please, please help me. This is no way to live.

You know that incredible feeling when you get home from work after a long, hectic day, you walk through the door, and there's the man you love, waiting to receive you with open arms? You throw your arms around his neck and look deep into his mind-bogglingly blue eyes as he whispers those three little words, "Eww. Taco meat." Yep, taco meat.

You see, if you're like me, then your boyfriend has strong smell-to-taste connections (which I'll blog about in more detail at a later time), so he always associates body odor with taco (or chili) meat. If you've never noticed the similarity between the odor and the delicious Mexican dish, then pay close attention the next time a hippie cyclist pedals by. Two-bits says you'll have an uncontrollable and unexplainable craving for enchiladas that night. Boyfriend has no trouble telling me about my special scent. He doesn't find it awkward or unromantic; it's simply fact. He usually precedes it by, "I have a secret." "I have a secret" has never brought me anything good. It's never, "I have a secret. I'm so in love with you that if we were separated for any reason I'd cast myself into the sea and pray for the Lord to take me quickly to stop the pain of being parted from you." No, no. It's, "I have a secret. You need a breath mint," or "I have a secret. Something green is stuck between your two front teeth."

If you don't have a boyfriend of many secrets like me, then do you at least have uncontrollable underarms like mine that stubbornly defy every solution presented by life, the universe, and everything? I've tried everything to help my little "problem." I pick out a new deodorant every single time I go to the store. No, really. I've tried gels, solids, invisible solids, invisible invisibles, sprays, sports, powder freshes, tropical paradises, men's, women's, strong-enough-for-men-but-made-for-women's, clinical strengths, and other kinds of clinical strengths. I've tried natural solutions: anti-bacterial soap coupled with bacteria-fighting deodorant crystals, all-natural, non-aluminum anti-perspirant coupled with all-natural spray of sage, lemon, and chamomile. A word of warning: "all-natural solutions" is an oxymoron.

The only thing that's really worked so far is washing myself three times a day and keeping a 4-foot bubble between myself and others at all times. I can also pin my arms at my sides, but that just exacerbates the problem by making everything swampy. Too gross? Too much? Well I think so too. I welcome any and all suggestions, but be warned, I think I've tried everything. I'm considering a move to China, because they're much more relaxed about it over there. "B.O.? Hey, me too! Come on over." So that's a possibility for the future.

In the meantime, I'm getting used to the words "taco meat." Makes you look at this picture a little differently, doesn't it?

17 comments:

audra.marie said...

well, i love you, smelly pits and all :) i think the only suggestion i would make is to have that surgery where they block your pit pores. but that thought has always scared me. if your pores are blocked, where the heck does all that sweat go? i can't be good for your insides :\

oh well, then. i guess i have no suggestions.

Natalie said...

i think you've left me speechless.

hmmmm.

i think i need to go take a shower.

Six in the Mix said...

Something about being able to taste BO makes me want to puke. Maybe I should have said that your blog was NOT fresh but still fun. Love you, my smelly sister.

Bitty said...

Bitty's Sultry Suggestions:
1) pine tree air fresheners safety pinned to the inside of your shirt
2) panty liners safety pinned to the inside of your shirt
3) sprigs of lavendar from Provence safety pinned to the inside of your shirt

Six in the Mix said...

How about carrying baby wipes and trial size deodorant in your purse.

Woo said...

Oh, please, I've been doing that for years. :)

MARK and LORI said...

Hilarious, woo. simply hilarious.

get a prescription (oral and topical)

a lady at my church had REALLY bad body odor ALL the time. FINALLY she got some meds. They helped.

Umm....maybe I've not gotten close enough, but I've never smelled you...

Dr. Oz says that he likes his own body odor and doesn't wear anything...maybe you should try that.

Also, tannic acid has been recommended for smelly feet because it dries them out. Don't ask me how to get tannic acid up in your pits.

:)

Anonymous said...

I know you will think I only have a one-track mind but I'm telling you it's hormonal. Since starting through this stage, I have not only been odor-free, I've been extremely dry too! Not normally me. Recently something changed again in my body and whew, odor city. It lasted about 4 weeks and is now gone.

Hormonal I tell you.

Words of Wisdom from Mom

Keeping Up With the Joneses said...

Baby Doll: I have a little secret. I don't care how you smell cause I love you as you are -- period (at least outside the 4' radius).

Pop

Anonymous said...

Perhaps that's why God put her with a guy who also genuinely enjoys...nay, craves the smell of skunks. They smell like burnt Triscuits!

barefootinhighheels said...

Oh, this is funny! Check out today's post from Michelle at Life with Three: www.lifewiththree.blogspot.com -- she's actually writing over at Chic Critique today about a new antiperspirant/deodorant.

Good luck!!
Lori

Anonymous said...

Reapply, reapply, reapply. I'm sure you do that already though. But, I agree with the suggestion about seeing a doctor. :-)

Bitty said...

when I saw "I smell like tacos" by Emily on rocks in my dryer, I knew it was you.

It was.

The Stiletto Mom said...

I heard something once about Botox stopping underarm persperation. While I have a ton of it in my face, and you appear to be WAY TO YOUNG to have the same "texture" issues I do...it's worth a look see! Good luck!

DidiLyn said...

New boyfriend? One that says you smell like roses, or at least like beer. Microbrew.
Just sayin.

Ewokgirl said...

This is hilarious! (Well, at least, to me, as I'm not being told I smell like a taco.) Seriously, though, put some rubbing alcohol on a cotton ball and swipe it under your arms. It'll kill any smelly bacteria, and the alcohol smell fades within a minute or two.

And if it makes you feel any better, I can figure out what my husband had for lunch based on the way his skin smells when he gets home from work. Totally freaks him out when I do that! Just letting you know that you're not the only person out there with an SO who smells weird stuff. My husband can totally relate.

MommaofMany said...

Try taking a teaspoon of cod liver oil every morning. It really helps cleanse your system. If you eat garlic and onions though, nothing will stop those from making you smell like a taco!

My husband is like that, too, though he doesn't mention it most of the time. He can tell what I fixed the kids for lunch when he comes in the house after work. Some people have Super Noses! he also is a super taster. he tastes the ingredients of a dish rather than the whole thing. No hiding veggies in his cakes!