Tuesday, August 26, 2008

If I Ruled the World

If I ruled the world, the public restroom situation would be vastly different.

First, I would create a manual on proper bathroom etiquette. Chapter headings would include:
1. Knock first then enter
2. Choosing a stall: Love thy neighbor from a distance
3. Come, Go, Don't Tarry
4. The magic of flushing
5. Washing hands: It's not just for employees anymore
6. The trashcan: Now accepting trash!

Second, I would require the people of the world to pass written and practical exams to gain access to public restrooms. Licenses issued with scores of 90% and higher. Highest marks given to those with distinguished essays on the prompt, "'If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie, clean the seaty.' Discuss."

Third, I would fast track the 'Automatic Seat Covers on Every John' initiative.

Fourth, I would declare separate bathrooms for all drunken sorority girls. These special restrooms will be maintained by their patrons and quarantined from the rest of the world.

Fifth, the maximum gap between stall door and stall wall would be reduced to 1cm. Maximum distance between door and floor would be whatever gap a precocious 2-year-old cannot squeeze through.

Sixth, children must be accompanied by adults. Same goes for many grown men.

Seventh, public restroom soap manufactured by Bath & Body Works and Bath & Body Works alone. Current green goo soap to be researched at Area 51.

What think you, World? Are you prepared to vote me in as supreme ruler? If you choose not to vote for me, I will, of course, humbly abandon my ambitions (c.f. Mugabe, those delightful Castro boys, and Stalin.)


Anonymous said...

Amen! I hardly can go to a public bathroom. I don't want to touch the sink handle after I wash my hands because others touched it before washing their hands. Just really grosses my out!

Keeping Up With the Joneses said...

I remember when you were about 7 years old you refused to use the public restroom because it was so dirty even though you had "to go" really, really bad. I guess things haven't changed.

Six in the Mix said...

Don't forget that all main doors to a restroom must swing out from the inside so that one may push open the possibly contaminated door with one's foot, thus avoiding a handle.

If (rare occasion) there is a handle on the inside, a trash can must be located to the side of the door to collect the paper towels used to pull the handle.

Bitty said...

I applaud your platform and second the nomination - actually, I nominate you AND second you, for Primary Outhouse Officer, or POO, for the Department of Waste Etiquette.
I also completely agree that space between doors and walls be minimized. I've seen gaps that could accomodate 747's.

guess who said...

Is the thing about precocious young girls squeezing under stall doors a reference to an experience of yours, or are you just particularly adverse to brilliant kids spying on your tinkle time (as opposed to average ones?)

Emily said...

While I'm opposed to both, I speak of a particular instance in which a tiny tot with particularly good verbal skills started a conversation with me under the stall door. I was impressed by how well she spoke at such a young age, but I thought her discretion could use a bit of development.

Natalie said...

Please add to your platform a line about keeping bathrooms stocked with toilet paper at all times so patrons don't have to ask strangers to borrow a square or just drip in their Victoria Secrets.

Also, please make it mandatory that diaper changing stations are in all restrooms and that they are CLEANED after every use.

And, although this would be nice but not mandatory, I'd like to suggest one of these be installed in at least one stall in all restrooms: http://www.babygadget.net/2006/08/the_babykeeper.php

Wow, I didn't knowing someone who rules the world could be so beneficial.