Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Bringing Sexy Back

I’m a fake - a big, fat fake.

I hate, and I mean hate, the way Victoria’s Secret uses sex in advertising. Whenever a commercial pops up, the room environment inevitably goes from lighthearted jocularity to mild awkwardness. The men either become unnaturally interested in the wood grain of the coffee table, or their mouths go slack, their eyes transform into wide-angled laser beams, and their conversations go something like, “Well if the stinking Yankees had just... salary cap... basebra... sparkly... hrmagjwl;wmq%#thhhhh.” To Boyfriend’s immeasurable credit, he falls into the wood grain category. Darling, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.

Still, I’m a fake – a big, fat fake – because no sale, and I mean no sale, gets me as excited as the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. As much as I hate the commercials and the driving force behind the commercials, I can’t stay away from the dang store. They make the best strapless bra in existence. No, really! It doesn’t slip and it doesn’t stick out unnaturally and, well, it’s just the best. Their stuff is cute and feminine, and it lasts forever. Just this week, in fact, I’m planning a funeral service for a VS bra that I’ve had since 2001. 2001! And although I may be minimal forsaken cursed among women if you look real hard you might be able to see them delicate on top and therefore easier to support, I still think 7 years is quite a feat for a member of the oft-worn rotation. Now, Gentle Reader, lest I bore you to distraction with my tales of undergarment longevity, allow me to get to the point. Because I’m a frequent shopper and an Angel cardholder, I get lots and lots of VS catalogs delivered to my door, and every time I browse through one, like at lunch today, I laugh out loud at the ridiculous expressions and over-the-top poses of Victoria’s Secret’s models. (<--two is too many consecutive apostrophes.) I know the men-folk enjoy said poses, and I know the women-folk think, “Maybe if I order that t-shirt then I’ll be the one who makes the men-folk go ‘hrmagjlwl;wmmq%#thhhhh,’” but I tell you these poses are ridiculous.

Allow me to demonstrate, and I promise I’m not just trying to attract the male readership of the interworld.

This one says to me, “This shirt is just too great a burden for me to carry. Perhaps if I stretch it forward like this and stick my butt out like this, then maybe I’ll get the relief I need from the pressures of this life. Sighhhhhhhh.”

Then there’s this one:

I like to call this one, “I am way too smart for college,” or alternatively, “College is for pillow fights!”

Here’s one that my housemates and I discovered in college. We all called her The Woman of One Expression, and we found her when we thought they had accidentally put the same picture twice in the catalog. We kept flipping back and forth between two pictures, saying, "Did they photoshop a different color bra on her?" After a thorough search of the rest of the catalog, we discovered that they were all different pictures, just the same expression. She looks perpetually pissed, but she’s not quite sure why she feels that way. Here follows a rapid fire of W.O.E.

When she turns her head to the side, she really displays her versatility. Now, obviously this woman knows what she’s doing, and I have it from reliable sources that many men would murder and maim for her. I’m just saying this: she could learn a thing or two from this one.

Good heavens, why do I do this to myself?


Bitty said...

I don't know what you're talking about. When I'm doing laundry, or frying chicken, I always pull my shirt and stick my butt out - I don't know about you, but ridiculously awkward poses like that are a natural part of my daily housekeeping posture. Especially if it's something like plunging the toilet or scraping old rice out of the kitchen sink drain.

Anonymous said...

Well, to me she doesn't look pissed. She looks like a junior high girl (which is another whole topic regarding our sick society) - sorry, I digressed - she looks like a junior high girl trying her hardest to look grownup and seductive. Which means that she makes me want to laugh.
I will never understand the male reaction to such vapidity (is that a word?).
Thankfully, there are some men who actually prefer a woman with at least a few brains, instead of one who stares vacantly off into space.....
Bitty's mom
By the way I love your blog.

audra.marie said...

this is what went through my head when i finally scrolled down and saw your picture: "hrmagjlwl;wmmq%#thhhhh!"

you take my breath away with your poses.

Natalie said...

you're starting to scare me.

Keeping Up With the Joneses said...

Hello? Hello? Is Emily there?

Anonymous said...

I think what men really want is a woman who both looks vapid AND is smart. Take it from me. I'm a man.

Jess said...

Jonesy ... I LOVE this. And I would like to add that I too love their bras and such as you know. BUT, if I was given the choice to continue purchasing their merchandise OR punching at least three Vicky Secret girls right in their faces or baby-makers ... I think you know what choice I would make. Of course you also know that I'm only joking. :)